Sharing and not sharing

I've been trying to share my thoughts with my sister last night..
I'm trying and keep on trying but nothing seems to come out..

The whole way back was just a stay air moment between us..
The hint just pass by my mind without me saying it loud to her..

I am too afraid to share my feelings with others..
Even with my best friend, in certain things I just let my feelings fade away..
I have so many things to say..

Am I the looser? why I am saying this to myself?? Lets hear this story telling from the deep of my heart..

I have now used and still have few closest (how come few being join with -est words, hahahaha) friend.. All are girls.. Of course.. Boys?? Dun say.. Lots more.. We used to know and getting close.. so close that make other people treat it negative way. Anyhow, only us know how our friendship runs..

I never get close and I am to be honest got lack of love from family.. We being treated to be matured and well behave.. Once I being care, I felt so much be in a family. Starting from Matriculation, we start far from each other. Still contact through phone and its happen to be all away too nice. And suddenly, she got coupled.. with this guy.. only few months after that..

And what happened, Ive being ignored.. My called was rejected.. although Im calling once in the blue moon, whenever get chatting, she talks more bout him and I just a audience whom lend her the ears.. Its ok.. Slowly, ya la bila da ada orang ketiga, no ones can be sama adil.. and she unfairly treat me like i never exist in her life.. ok, find..

I get closed with this girl.. my roommate.. hahaha.. know why? i like her english and hoping that I might improved if i practiced with her.. Most of our chatting, she tried to help me on it. Then, after ended the class of 2002, she left the university and entered the north university.

Still chatting and maintaining our friendship. I never get chance to hang out away from the uni. But I always escaped from those rules. ahahahah... get caught when we hang out watching movies at Mid Valley. kuikuikui... as usual.. my dreadful mom scolding me like hell and saying bad things of her.. throwing excuses that were not significant and able to be accepted. The excuse more on worrying me to be "simbah dengan asid" since we always hang out with her sister and fiance who used to be duda. come on.. wots the point? he is not suami orang anyway.. to be judge that way. by the way.. the kantoi things pun sebab one of my friend whom I trusted most, betray me.. and I was so damn hurt on it! Hope I can forget but.. dunno.. the scar was still there but I dun give it a shit.. People make mistake anyway...

Listening to this advice, I just obey it... Come on.. they are my parents and I am still under their observation... Then, I get close to this person.. My god.. never think friend would turn out to be mother to me.. She is so motherly and caring.. Even all of my friends girls or guys or even mans.. old folks.. like her so much..

Ok.. fine with that.. She was few years left without a single contact.. and I only heard of her when she is getting married. Erm.. see "those who think bad" she's marrying.. hahaha.. (my friend whom her sister married a duda)

Never think this would happened to me.. My best friend (almost 7yrs old) never far apart... seems to left me last February... erm.. and I put in my full trust saying that the history wont repeated. Middle.. not really.. to be specific, April, 2o.. I was shocked by a phone call that she get msg from someone that she did not know.. Why its happened when I am not around?? please!!

haha.. 3 months and 19 days... they had their first met.. with me there.. kuikuikui... the point is.. whenever they are far away from me.. they could easily get their own couple.. me.. still left alone in the darkness... So, who ever need an assistant to search for their life partner, contact me.. and be my friend.. I am a cupid.. close to me.. and when u have urs, let me go...

Its happen 3 times and should I treat it as coincidence?? erm.. appoint me formally with written instruction so I do not wasting my time waiting for mine.. Only GOD knows why.. sometimes I do think of being what people used to think bout me.. Hallo.. im straight.. dun get dat wrong.. its just.. too afraid to get connected to others.. to HER and HIM, Im from u and why u accusing such a lousy question? are u out of ur mind?? are u holding ISLAM thought??

Next time, when u have children, be their friends.. lets them experience themselves (things that not away from the religious thought)... dun be too fierce that make them afraid to share their problems.. dun control but be the adviser.. u learnt more sometimes from them than what u had experience..

For u and for me... lets put up ur hand together and pray for me to be stronger than now.. for me to meet someone out there that could filled this emptiness..

Buried myself to HIM.. praying and never stop praying coz only HE is the BEST..
O Allah! I seek Your counsel by Your knowledge and by Your power I seek strength and I ask You from Your immense favour, for verily You are able while I am not and verily You know while I do not and You are the Knower of the unseen. O Allah! If You know this affair to be good for me in relation to my religion, my life, and end, then decree and facilitate it for me, and bless me with it. But if in Your Knowledge, You know to be ill for me towards my religion, my life, and end, then drive it away from me and drive me away from it, and decree for me what is good wherever it be and make me satisfied with such.