The ending of the story

Yesterday, I was on my way back home. I received call from my best friend. She seems like having a very lovely moment which caught me into deep curious until she revealed the fact that she was going to break her fasting with her boy (I dunno which category shall this man fall into) but I was so damn hate him.

I've being spending thousand seconds and minutes and hours with her but I noticed that there isn't any called or msg from him. Is she the one whom lie to me? Or is he the one who seeking chance to burst the friendship?But why whenever I am not there with her, she will receive million surprise actions from him? Lousy boy.. Don't you know I hate you most?? Testing market by asking her out without me? are u damn out of your mind? However, they showed me something which I just learned it by chance. Never, Never ever consider or think of others feelings whenever you already have someone to be your partner.

I was so stupid not to learn it, a little bit earlier. I realized that everything happen has its own way of making it better. It just me being hurt this much and can't even stand still anymore.

Please help me get my feet back on the ground. I'm just too naive on relationship and friendship.. relationship should be first even though it just for 4 months old. Friendship means nothing although it being built up for 6 years. I failed just because I never able to introduce him to my family. If Ive got strong support from family, I could just ignore others and tight it up by using parents bless..

Now, I wonder why I am too care of her feelings whereby she never consider mine. Erm.. malays quote: "Tepuk dada tanya selera". I keep myself close to HIM and I just hope HE could guide me to find mine in my own way. And I abate of knowing and considering to have new best friend.

Its hard to let her go. But I have to stand still on my thoughts. I might be wrong but I'm sure this man could not bring me joy as friends. He just need her, cherish her and want her by herself!! Hey... Tum wont me my dostie.. Tum mera dushman!

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Knowing person that very new? should i?

Again... I was caught into dilemma.. hahaha...

My friend wanted to introduce me to his friend.. kahkahkah.. funny things..
funnier is when this guy is much much more younger than me.. My GOD!!!!!!

They are busy looking for mine after all of them get theirs.. erm.. before that they never
think of me.. why now?? after the strength string attached, only then they feel free to share
what they left behind..

This is fake.. all of it are fake.. I am not going to believe anyone after this..
Yesterday, I had heard few good things...

1. Someone who is dying in love with her kept on messaging and when he left her silent.. she got panic attack.. erm.. is this where the cupid do his part?

2. After some while.. she started to share the news.. She was so happy coz she might had "ward round" with her EX-.. (in group) erm.. good luck.. I've told u.. I am the cupid..

3. After suffering years... she letting him go.. and now, she is free and available to anyone! Be brave girl.. You deserved someone better...

4. Moderate mood - I could feel acceptance feeling towards him.. Better preserves and maintain this mood... I am doing my part.. You guys, do yours!!

5. At last, I knew something.. I did not actually cause the breakdown... He was the one who should take the responsibilities.. I am gaining my happiness back!! chaiyo' chaiyo'

6. Thinking of past would not bring us joy.. thinking of future might leads us towards successful of life..

7. I am going to grab and enjoy this precious moment!!!! Come and join me!!!!!!

8. At last, she still there helping me gaining my spirit back! How could I push this lady aside?

You gave me love and helped
Me find the sun
And every time that I was down
You would always come around
And get my feet back on
The ground (credit to www.lyricsfreak.com) --> Season in the Sun lyrics

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Whenever you hold grudge over someone..

I should not feel this way.. but I never able to get along with her..
She always caught my attention using monetary...
and I am stuck coz I dun have any...

She keep on making decision for me..
All people near me.. decide for me..
I hate this.... Feel prisoner in my own life..

People never satisfied..
I need space, pills to ease this pain..

Suffer in bad headache..
live far away alone could help me organize myself much better
If people homesick.. I'm sick whenever at home..

Why they can't hear my sorrow voice...
Keep on hunting me with their problems...
Whereas not even wanted to hear mine...

Every single day, I hate to receive call from them...
Since I am two.. I've been stuck in life full of gaduh-gaduh

Make me too frightened to start mine..
I have tried to be someone better..
How can I leave behind this bad feelings..

Until now, I always felt I am the black sheep of the family
I tried hard not to make my bro and sis feel the same...

After all, Love could not be change with money.. that for sure
but money is in need in real life..

They have the money but always fight for not having enough money
and me.. dun have enough money but try hard to make myself happier..

I hope this people heard me..

Even I dun have money, I dun want people I love suffer for not having enough money.. but pls.. in certain cases, think of urself.. I wont always there to help.. helping people are indeed but u need to help urself first...

Starry starry night-Don McLean

Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills, in colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they'll listen now

Starry starry night, flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Chorus:
For they could not love you, but still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight, on that starry starry night
You took your life as lovers often do,
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Starry, starry night, portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls with eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the stranger that you've met, the ragged man in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will.

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Perjalananku

Aku yang masih diperjalanan hidup ini
begitu lama berlegar dipersimpangan dunia
menempuh jarak dan titian
rimba dan lautan
mencari sesuatu kebebasan

aku yang masih diperhentian hidup ini
begitu lama mengembara ke serata dunia
mengejar siang dan malam
surut dan pasang
mencari sesuatu kebebasan

mencari sesuatu yang abadi

di manakah berakhirnya perjalananku ini
besok dan lusa bukan milikku ooohh tuhanku
lindungilah hambaMu yang hina ini
aku setia hanya padaMU oh tuhanku

di mana berakhirnya perjalananku ini
besok dan lusa bukan milikku oh tuhanku
lindungilah hambaMu yang hina ini
aku setia hanya padaMU oh tuhanku

Seek for your guidance

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Sharing and not sharing

I've been trying to share my thoughts with my sister last night..
I'm trying and keep on trying but nothing seems to come out..

The whole way back was just a stay air moment between us..
The hint just pass by my mind without me saying it loud to her..

I am too afraid to share my feelings with others..
Even with my best friend, in certain things I just let my feelings fade away..
I have so many things to say..

Am I the looser? why I am saying this to myself?? Lets hear this story telling from the deep of my heart..

I have now used and still have few closest (how come few being join with -est words, hahahaha) friend.. All are girls.. Of course.. Boys?? Dun say.. Lots more.. We used to know and getting close.. so close that make other people treat it negative way. Anyhow, only us know how our friendship runs..

I never get close and I am to be honest got lack of love from family.. We being treated to be matured and well behave.. Once I being care, I felt so much be in a family. Starting from Matriculation, we start far from each other. Still contact through phone and its happen to be all away too nice. And suddenly, she got coupled.. with this guy.. only few months after that..

And what happened, Ive being ignored.. My called was rejected.. although Im calling once in the blue moon, whenever get chatting, she talks more bout him and I just a audience whom lend her the ears.. Its ok.. Slowly, ya la bila da ada orang ketiga, no ones can be sama adil.. and she unfairly treat me like i never exist in her life.. ok, find..

I get closed with this girl.. my roommate.. hahaha.. know why? i like her english and hoping that I might improved if i practiced with her.. Most of our chatting, she tried to help me on it. Then, after ended the class of 2002, she left the university and entered the north university.

Still chatting and maintaining our friendship. I never get chance to hang out away from the uni. But I always escaped from those rules. ahahahah... get caught when we hang out watching movies at Mid Valley. kuikuikui... as usual.. my dreadful mom scolding me like hell and saying bad things of her.. throwing excuses that were not significant and able to be accepted. The excuse more on worrying me to be "simbah dengan asid" since we always hang out with her sister and fiance who used to be duda. come on.. wots the point? he is not suami orang anyway.. to be judge that way. by the way.. the kantoi things pun sebab one of my friend whom I trusted most, betray me.. and I was so damn hurt on it! Hope I can forget but.. dunno.. the scar was still there but I dun give it a shit.. People make mistake anyway...

Listening to this advice, I just obey it... Come on.. they are my parents and I am still under their observation... Then, I get close to this person.. My god.. never think friend would turn out to be mother to me.. She is so motherly and caring.. Even all of my friends girls or guys or even mans.. old folks.. like her so much..

Ok.. fine with that.. She was few years left without a single contact.. and I only heard of her when she is getting married. Erm.. see "those who think bad" she's marrying.. hahaha.. (my friend whom her sister married a duda)

Never think this would happened to me.. My best friend (almost 7yrs old) never far apart... seems to left me last February... erm.. and I put in my full trust saying that the history wont repeated. Middle.. not really.. to be specific, April, 2o.. I was shocked by a phone call that she get msg from someone that she did not know.. Why its happened when I am not around?? please!!

haha.. 3 months and 19 days... they had their first met.. with me there.. kuikuikui... the point is.. whenever they are far away from me.. they could easily get their own couple.. me.. still left alone in the darkness... So, who ever need an assistant to search for their life partner, contact me.. and be my friend.. I am a cupid.. close to me.. and when u have urs, let me go...

Its happen 3 times and should I treat it as coincidence?? erm.. appoint me formally with written instruction so I do not wasting my time waiting for mine.. Only GOD knows why.. sometimes I do think of being what people used to think bout me.. Hallo.. im straight.. dun get dat wrong.. its just.. too afraid to get connected to others.. to HER and HIM, Im from u and why u accusing such a lousy question? are u out of ur mind?? are u holding ISLAM thought??

Next time, when u have children, be their friends.. lets them experience themselves (things that not away from the religious thought)... dun be too fierce that make them afraid to share their problems.. dun control but be the adviser.. u learnt more sometimes from them than what u had experience..

For u and for me... lets put up ur hand together and pray for me to be stronger than now.. for me to meet someone out there that could filled this emptiness..

Buried myself to HIM.. praying and never stop praying coz only HE is the BEST..
O Allah! I seek Your counsel by Your knowledge and by Your power I seek strength and I ask You from Your immense favour, for verily You are able while I am not and verily You know while I do not and You are the Knower of the unseen. O Allah! If You know this affair to be good for me in relation to my religion, my life, and end, then decree and facilitate it for me, and bless me with it. But if in Your Knowledge, You know to be ill for me towards my religion, my life, and end, then drive it away from me and drive me away from it, and decree for me what is good wherever it be and make me satisfied with such.

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Only GOD knows why..

Ive been sittin here
tryin to find myself
I get behind myself,
I need to rewind myself

Lookin for the payback,
listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me

Now, I feel like number one,
yet Im last in line
I watch my youngest son and it helps to pass the time

I take to many pills...it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple dollar bills,
still I feel the same

Everybody knows my name,
say it way out loud
A lotta folks fuck with me,
its hard to hang out in crowds

I guess thats the price you pay
to be some big shot like I am
Outstretched hands and one night stands,
still I cant find love
And when your walls come tumblin down,
I will always be around

...yea anyone and now...

And when your walls come tumblin down,
I will always be around

People dont know about the things I say or do
They dont understand
about the shit that Ive been through

Its been so long since Ive been home
Ive been gone
Ive been gone for way too long

Maybe I forgot all the things Id miss
Oh somehow I know theres more to life then this

I said it too many times and I still stand firm
You get what you put in,
and people get what they deserve

Still I aint seen mine no I aint seen mine
Ive been givin just aint been gettin
Ive been walkin back that line
So I think ill keep on walkin
with my head held high
Ill keep movin on and only God knows why

Only god..
Only god..
Only God knows why
Only God knows...why why why why only God knows why
Take it to the devil, hey wont you take me to the river
Hey hey hey hey hey....

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Making things right..

This evening.. I learn something new bout love..

She was so in love with this simple and sweet guy.. but until now, this guy never had the strength to declare the relationship.. I find this weird but its challenging.. This kind of love really need strong patient and attention..

At last, this gal willing to express her feeling.. erm.. sound unusual.. but things happen.. she decided to tell him the truth... and im waiting for the feedback.. hopefully its working..

sigh** see.. people are chasing of love at age of 26th.. and it is more sweet and romantic since it rise between two mature people and be too childish just because of love... I'll let u guys know how things end..

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I say a little prayer for you...

The moment when I woke up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

while combing my hair now
and wondering what dress to wear noe

I say a little prayer for you

Forever and ever
you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you

Forever and ever,
we never will part
Oh, How I love you

Together, forever,
that's how it must be
to live without you

Would only mean
heartbreak for me

I run for the bus dear
While riding I think of us dear

I say a little prayer for you

At work I just take time
and all through my coffee break-time

I say a little prayer for you

Forever and ever
you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you

Forever and ever,
we never will part
Oh, How I love you

Together, forever,
that's how it must be
to live without you

Would only mean
heartbreak for me

My darling believe me (believe me)
For me there is no one but you

Please love me too (answer his prayer now)
And I'm in love with you (answer his prayer now, babe)

Answer my prayer now, babe (answer his prayer)
Say you love me too...

Forever and ever
you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you

Forever and ever,
we never will part
Oh, How I love you

Together, forever,
that's how it must be
to live without you

Would only mean
heartbreak for me

Seems like I have lack of work today!
Masa untuk berlibur

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Is this called revenge?

I didn't mean to treat you bad
I didn't mean to seek for revenge
I didn't mean to see you sad

All I need is a truth friendship
All I am hoping is for a lasting relationship
All I am searching is for the best

I am always there to support you
I am always there to lend you my arms
I am always there whenever needed

I could sacrifice anything to make you happy
I could deny things for your friendship
I could standing still to protect your needs

I just a tiny person who,
want you to hear my voice
want you to consider my feelings
want you to think of my thoughts

For you and for me,
We are just playing opera in our own stage
We are the main role play
We are the director

Hear at least once
If you find this is the best..
Go and do not look back..

Nothing decisions come without cons
Nothing actions lies without side effects
Nothing matters rise without risk..

Live if risky..

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Caffeine -Hidupku Kan Damaikan Hatimu

Berjalan di tepi pantai
Tertiup angin berhembus
Sejukkan hati damaikan diri
Melihat biru

Bersama t'lah dilewati
Bersama t'lah dijalani
Aku di sini kan bersamamu
T'lah ikat janji

( korus )
Hidupku kan damaikan hatimu
Dirikukan s'lalu menjagamu
Izinkan ku s'lalu bersamamu
Kasihku padamu

T'lah kuberikan semuanya
T'lah kurasakan bersama
Sampai terhenti nafasku ini
Hanyalah untukmu

( ulang korus )

This song meant a lot to someone out there..

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The rainy day bring me lasting tears

Yesterday, i was caught in the rain. Flagging for cab to fetch me.. Nothing much happens until the day getting dark.. I was so damn suffer from a very bad headache.. Things brought me into a lousy action.

Out of sudden, i felt isolated. Asking to be free from the feelings that keep on hunting me since April. HE knows the best.. What happen is, she acting the same as i did before.. She was so pleased with what he had done to me.. the way he care towards me.. It happens few years ago. He doing the same. He was so patient and so kind.. He willing to do the best to makes things better. He just did not have more patient anymore...

Only when she put me into greenlight, I decided to open up my heart. Yes, he is a good person.. start to like him until i did not know when, the relationship and friendship scratched and tear into very small pieces and no ones could put it back as what it suppose to be. Due to this, I did not want to project greenlight before I get to know him deeply. I did not want to break her heart whenever I found out the bad things bout him and suddenly rejecting him after she was totally in love. Never mind dear.. with ALLAH guidance, we'll find the best.

I just do not have the credibility to imply good strategies. What she did now, show me what exactly actions i should took when i was caught in this situation.

Its, me who ruins the relationship actually.. I was so in love with him and struggle myself to fix their relationship.. Never be together without her by my side.. She always spend much more times together than i did, still the plan didn't works well. I kept on making order to preserve a good friendship with her. and he just dun stop put me into dilemma. Its me who break it.. not her.. but until now, I kept on making her felt guilty for not blessing our relationship..

I knew, she might hurt. but things happen.. there is no way turning back..

I just dun want she felt the same.. I have decided to stop rejecting HIM... After ages thinking of it.. I would rather sacrifice my bad feelings so that I would be able to be there by her side and be the busiest person who handling and organizing the receptions during the solemnization.

Since u guys read my older post, I'm just too afraid to decide. I can't help of loosing her.. and would he be my soul mate? its a risky decision.. Dear, i love you both.. and never wanted to loose either of u. But I just let time pass by. to him, so far, u did well but not enough passion.. as i said.. if this is our destiny... the passion will leads us there. Now, things getting worst. I have tore the entire friendship they built.. This should not repeated again.. i wont let the history repeated itself while me this time just sitting there and be a director.

Until now, I've never heard bout him.. I keep on pushing myself not to think of this short love stories.. She blessed at first... the way they chatting together, spending time together, the way he treat her.. My heart was so full of joy and love.. I did not know when this friendship start cracking. As i realized, there is only a tiny crack bridge left in the middle. I try to fix it.. as I've been in the middle of the bridge, its cracking and fell down.. and I am the one who getting hurt.

Last night, I built up strong Principe swearing that I won't be the middle person who crack the relationship.. She was too good to be hurt and he was too patient and I dun want it to reach the limit..

Pernah ku rasa dendam derita
bermain cinta ku cuba jua
patah hati tak membuat menjadi cerah
biarlah hanyut badan ke laut
asal sebiduk dengan si dia
dalam badai asmara cinta

tak perlu engkau ambilkan pisau
tak perlu aku belah dadamu
kerana aku telah tahu isi hatimu
mata bertemu saling memandang
dalam hati rasa bergoncang
karna cinta jua nan datang

c/o
bila nasib belum beruntung
bintang dilangit jangan dihitung
sebelum sakit jangan termenung
mari gembira dan bersenandung (2x)

Putus asmara pedih ku rasa
Bermain cinta ku cuba jua
patah hati tak membuat menjadi cerah
biarlah hanyut badan ke laut
asal sebiduk dengan si dia
dalam badai asmara cinta

tak perlu engkau ambilkan pisau
tak perlu aku belah dadamu
kerana aku telah tahu isi hatimu
mata bertemu saling memandang
dalam hati rasa bergoncang
karna cinta jua nan datang

repeat c/o (2x)

LOVE IS NICE THING.. BUT WONT LASTING.. THAT FOR SURE..

I was now, keep on praying for the best. The memory of love story remains live.. Living with the past and try to be the best might make ur life more cheerful..

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An intro towards me...

Gemini:
You are born to flirt. You love to indulge in harmless flirting for fun. You love variety in love and life. You are a very passionate and sexy person. You love to try out new things in love and romance. You get bored doing the same thing again and again. You are not possessive. You love to live for the moment. You do not think about long term relationships. You prefer to enjoy your present totally. You love talking to your sweetheart for hours together. You are very thoughtful and caring partner.

Your kissing style:
Your kisses are irresistible and very passionate.

To attract you, the opposite sex must be:
adventurous, attentive, intelligent, independent, etc.

You are more compatible with - Libra, Aquarius, Gemini
You are less compatible with - Pisces, Taurus, Cancer, Virgo

in certain cases, it do talk almost 100% bout me.. but its hard for me to get someone dat really have those criteria.. believe me or not.. most of them turn out to be thorns dat hurt me more than others..

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The loneliness filled the emptiness of heart

Kasih Tak Kembali

Menantikan dia kembali
Melamun hatiku sedih
Hati gelisah bermimpi
Memadukan kasih

Ku sampaikan ratapan jiwa
Dihembusan angin lalu
Harapan ingin berjumpa
Menyampaikan hasrat rindu

Tapi hanyalah bayangan
Tak kunjungnya kembali lagi
Gelap suramnya pemandangan
Binasalah diri

Remuk redam rasa hati
Tak tertahan menanggung rindu
Kasih tak mungkin kembali
Musnahlah harapanku...

Love is in the air...

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Should the terms change?

Its been a while when I received news that he is coming... I never expect this situation might happen without me preparing myself to do so. The feeling was like a child who can't accept that fact that she might going to share love with someone else whom the mother used to address him as "HUSBAND".

The first impression was too bad.. and the upcoming stories they keep on telling me was like a very bad nightmare.. However, people should have to move on.. If I keep on saying NO.. nothing might change.. She might suffer in deep without me seeing it physically. I can't help myself rejecting him and keep on rejecting him.. I really really hate this guy.. Can't believe I have this strong feeling of rejecting towards someone..

The situation became worst when he always there by her side not noticing other people surround them.. They were seems to be in their own world of love in the first sight.. My goodness.. Was this called jealous?? I don't think so.. It seems that far in my heart.. I like the way they are..

Sweet couple whom I can rely on whenever I'm in need.. Although its our first met, he was so damn stealing her heart.. She looked so happy and I observed that she was comfortable with this simple guy..

The problem was tiny to anyone.. maybe.. but to me it is the biggest.. I have high expectation with guy that want to be with her.. And I much more believe that family could not be set up without proper and stable economy.. Love is a must but should come along with money and responsibilities to make the family become the best.

She was motherly, caring and full of love.. I just felt what a waste to let her go to people that do not committed and unstable (not now but in future). Anyway, the first live met was very enjoyment moment.. He seems and perhaps will always be the guy that I could love me like she did... I cant deny that he was a very nice person.. and his patient is over man's limit.

Funny guy and what so ever nice words... but it just the first time meet.. It could be change as time pass by.. Please boy... do me a favor... take my challenge, and grab her as a MAN.. I never wanted her to be always by my side.. although I need her in every single breath.. but I do hope that the guy beside her could always care of her and could lend me a hand whenever needed..

You had slowly win my heart.. And i do much love and appreciate if she with you.. for you to take care of and for you to hold a family.. but its just too early to decide.. I have to see how serious u are towards her..

Girl, he is not the best.. but so far, I like him like you do.. as we both agree.. its too early to use LOVE word.. let time pass by do not block your heart yet.. few peoples are out there queuing..

Love is passion.. If he is the ONE, passion will take you there.. To be continue..

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