The ending of the story

Yesterday, I was on my way back home. I received call from my best friend. She seems like having a very lovely moment which caught me into deep curious until she revealed the fact that she was going to break her fasting with her boy (I dunno which category shall this man fall into) but I was so damn hate him.

I've being spending thousand seconds and minutes and hours with her but I noticed that there isn't any called or msg from him. Is she the one whom lie to me? Or is he the one who seeking chance to burst the friendship?But why whenever I am not there with her, she will receive million surprise actions from him? Lousy boy.. Don't you know I hate you most?? Testing market by asking her out without me? are u damn out of your mind? However, they showed me something which I just learned it by chance. Never, Never ever consider or think of others feelings whenever you already have someone to be your partner.

I was so stupid not to learn it, a little bit earlier. I realized that everything happen has its own way of making it better. It just me being hurt this much and can't even stand still anymore.

Please help me get my feet back on the ground. I'm just too naive on relationship and friendship.. relationship should be first even though it just for 4 months old. Friendship means nothing although it being built up for 6 years. I failed just because I never able to introduce him to my family. If Ive got strong support from family, I could just ignore others and tight it up by using parents bless..

Now, I wonder why I am too care of her feelings whereby she never consider mine. Erm.. malays quote: "Tepuk dada tanya selera". I keep myself close to HIM and I just hope HE could guide me to find mine in my own way. And I abate of knowing and considering to have new best friend.

Its hard to let her go. But I have to stand still on my thoughts. I might be wrong but I'm sure this man could not bring me joy as friends. He just need her, cherish her and want her by herself!! Hey... Tum wont me my dostie.. Tum mera dushman!

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Knowing person that very new? should i?

Again... I was caught into dilemma.. hahaha...

My friend wanted to introduce me to his friend.. kahkahkah.. funny things..
funnier is when this guy is much much more younger than me.. My GOD!!!!!!

They are busy looking for mine after all of them get theirs.. erm.. before that they never
think of me.. why now?? after the strength string attached, only then they feel free to share
what they left behind..

This is fake.. all of it are fake.. I am not going to believe anyone after this..
Yesterday, I had heard few good things...

1. Someone who is dying in love with her kept on messaging and when he left her silent.. she got panic attack.. erm.. is this where the cupid do his part?

2. After some while.. she started to share the news.. She was so happy coz she might had "ward round" with her EX-.. (in group) erm.. good luck.. I've told u.. I am the cupid..

3. After suffering years... she letting him go.. and now, she is free and available to anyone! Be brave girl.. You deserved someone better...

4. Moderate mood - I could feel acceptance feeling towards him.. Better preserves and maintain this mood... I am doing my part.. You guys, do yours!!

5. At last, I knew something.. I did not actually cause the breakdown... He was the one who should take the responsibilities.. I am gaining my happiness back!! chaiyo' chaiyo'

6. Thinking of past would not bring us joy.. thinking of future might leads us towards successful of life..

7. I am going to grab and enjoy this precious moment!!!! Come and join me!!!!!!

8. At last, she still there helping me gaining my spirit back! How could I push this lady aside?

You gave me love and helped
Me find the sun
And every time that I was down
You would always come around
And get my feet back on
The ground (credit to www.lyricsfreak.com) --> Season in the Sun lyrics

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Whenever you hold grudge over someone..

I should not feel this way.. but I never able to get along with her..
She always caught my attention using monetary...
and I am stuck coz I dun have any...

She keep on making decision for me..
All people near me.. decide for me..
I hate this.... Feel prisoner in my own life..

People never satisfied..
I need space, pills to ease this pain..

Suffer in bad headache..
live far away alone could help me organize myself much better
If people homesick.. I'm sick whenever at home..

Why they can't hear my sorrow voice...
Keep on hunting me with their problems...
Whereas not even wanted to hear mine...

Every single day, I hate to receive call from them...
Since I am two.. I've been stuck in life full of gaduh-gaduh

Make me too frightened to start mine..
I have tried to be someone better..
How can I leave behind this bad feelings..

Until now, I always felt I am the black sheep of the family
I tried hard not to make my bro and sis feel the same...

After all, Love could not be change with money.. that for sure
but money is in need in real life..

They have the money but always fight for not having enough money
and me.. dun have enough money but try hard to make myself happier..

I hope this people heard me..

Even I dun have money, I dun want people I love suffer for not having enough money.. but pls.. in certain cases, think of urself.. I wont always there to help.. helping people are indeed but u need to help urself first...

Starry starry night-Don McLean

Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills, in colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they'll listen now

Starry starry night, flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Chorus:
For they could not love you, but still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight, on that starry starry night
You took your life as lovers often do,
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Starry, starry night, portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls with eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the stranger that you've met, the ragged man in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will.

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Perjalananku

Aku yang masih diperjalanan hidup ini
begitu lama berlegar dipersimpangan dunia
menempuh jarak dan titian
rimba dan lautan
mencari sesuatu kebebasan

aku yang masih diperhentian hidup ini
begitu lama mengembara ke serata dunia
mengejar siang dan malam
surut dan pasang
mencari sesuatu kebebasan

mencari sesuatu yang abadi

di manakah berakhirnya perjalananku ini
besok dan lusa bukan milikku ooohh tuhanku
lindungilah hambaMu yang hina ini
aku setia hanya padaMU oh tuhanku

di mana berakhirnya perjalananku ini
besok dan lusa bukan milikku oh tuhanku
lindungilah hambaMu yang hina ini
aku setia hanya padaMU oh tuhanku

Seek for your guidance

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Sharing and not sharing

I've been trying to share my thoughts with my sister last night..
I'm trying and keep on trying but nothing seems to come out..

The whole way back was just a stay air moment between us..
The hint just pass by my mind without me saying it loud to her..

I am too afraid to share my feelings with others..
Even with my best friend, in certain things I just let my feelings fade away..
I have so many things to say..

Am I the looser? why I am saying this to myself?? Lets hear this story telling from the deep of my heart..

I have now used and still have few closest (how come few being join with -est words, hahahaha) friend.. All are girls.. Of course.. Boys?? Dun say.. Lots more.. We used to know and getting close.. so close that make other people treat it negative way. Anyhow, only us know how our friendship runs..

I never get close and I am to be honest got lack of love from family.. We being treated to be matured and well behave.. Once I being care, I felt so much be in a family. Starting from Matriculation, we start far from each other. Still contact through phone and its happen to be all away too nice. And suddenly, she got coupled.. with this guy.. only few months after that..

And what happened, Ive being ignored.. My called was rejected.. although Im calling once in the blue moon, whenever get chatting, she talks more bout him and I just a audience whom lend her the ears.. Its ok.. Slowly, ya la bila da ada orang ketiga, no ones can be sama adil.. and she unfairly treat me like i never exist in her life.. ok, find..

I get closed with this girl.. my roommate.. hahaha.. know why? i like her english and hoping that I might improved if i practiced with her.. Most of our chatting, she tried to help me on it. Then, after ended the class of 2002, she left the university and entered the north university.

Still chatting and maintaining our friendship. I never get chance to hang out away from the uni. But I always escaped from those rules. ahahahah... get caught when we hang out watching movies at Mid Valley. kuikuikui... as usual.. my dreadful mom scolding me like hell and saying bad things of her.. throwing excuses that were not significant and able to be accepted. The excuse more on worrying me to be "simbah dengan asid" since we always hang out with her sister and fiance who used to be duda. come on.. wots the point? he is not suami orang anyway.. to be judge that way. by the way.. the kantoi things pun sebab one of my friend whom I trusted most, betray me.. and I was so damn hurt on it! Hope I can forget but.. dunno.. the scar was still there but I dun give it a shit.. People make mistake anyway...

Listening to this advice, I just obey it... Come on.. they are my parents and I am still under their observation... Then, I get close to this person.. My god.. never think friend would turn out to be mother to me.. She is so motherly and caring.. Even all of my friends girls or guys or even mans.. old folks.. like her so much..

Ok.. fine with that.. She was few years left without a single contact.. and I only heard of her when she is getting married. Erm.. see "those who think bad" she's marrying.. hahaha.. (my friend whom her sister married a duda)

Never think this would happened to me.. My best friend (almost 7yrs old) never far apart... seems to left me last February... erm.. and I put in my full trust saying that the history wont repeated. Middle.. not really.. to be specific, April, 2o.. I was shocked by a phone call that she get msg from someone that she did not know.. Why its happened when I am not around?? please!!

haha.. 3 months and 19 days... they had their first met.. with me there.. kuikuikui... the point is.. whenever they are far away from me.. they could easily get their own couple.. me.. still left alone in the darkness... So, who ever need an assistant to search for their life partner, contact me.. and be my friend.. I am a cupid.. close to me.. and when u have urs, let me go...

Its happen 3 times and should I treat it as coincidence?? erm.. appoint me formally with written instruction so I do not wasting my time waiting for mine.. Only GOD knows why.. sometimes I do think of being what people used to think bout me.. Hallo.. im straight.. dun get dat wrong.. its just.. too afraid to get connected to others.. to HER and HIM, Im from u and why u accusing such a lousy question? are u out of ur mind?? are u holding ISLAM thought??

Next time, when u have children, be their friends.. lets them experience themselves (things that not away from the religious thought)... dun be too fierce that make them afraid to share their problems.. dun control but be the adviser.. u learnt more sometimes from them than what u had experience..

For u and for me... lets put up ur hand together and pray for me to be stronger than now.. for me to meet someone out there that could filled this emptiness..

Buried myself to HIM.. praying and never stop praying coz only HE is the BEST..
O Allah! I seek Your counsel by Your knowledge and by Your power I seek strength and I ask You from Your immense favour, for verily You are able while I am not and verily You know while I do not and You are the Knower of the unseen. O Allah! If You know this affair to be good for me in relation to my religion, my life, and end, then decree and facilitate it for me, and bless me with it. But if in Your Knowledge, You know to be ill for me towards my religion, my life, and end, then drive it away from me and drive me away from it, and decree for me what is good wherever it be and make me satisfied with such.

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Only GOD knows why..

Ive been sittin here
tryin to find myself
I get behind myself,
I need to rewind myself

Lookin for the payback,
listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me

Now, I feel like number one,
yet Im last in line
I watch my youngest son and it helps to pass the time

I take to many pills...it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple dollar bills,
still I feel the same

Everybody knows my name,
say it way out loud
A lotta folks fuck with me,
its hard to hang out in crowds

I guess thats the price you pay
to be some big shot like I am
Outstretched hands and one night stands,
still I cant find love
And when your walls come tumblin down,
I will always be around

...yea anyone and now...

And when your walls come tumblin down,
I will always be around

People dont know about the things I say or do
They dont understand
about the shit that Ive been through

Its been so long since Ive been home
Ive been gone
Ive been gone for way too long

Maybe I forgot all the things Id miss
Oh somehow I know theres more to life then this

I said it too many times and I still stand firm
You get what you put in,
and people get what they deserve

Still I aint seen mine no I aint seen mine
Ive been givin just aint been gettin
Ive been walkin back that line
So I think ill keep on walkin
with my head held high
Ill keep movin on and only God knows why

Only god..
Only god..
Only God knows why
Only God knows...why why why why only God knows why
Take it to the devil, hey wont you take me to the river
Hey hey hey hey hey....

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Making things right..

This evening.. I learn something new bout love..

She was so in love with this simple and sweet guy.. but until now, this guy never had the strength to declare the relationship.. I find this weird but its challenging.. This kind of love really need strong patient and attention..

At last, this gal willing to express her feeling.. erm.. sound unusual.. but things happen.. she decided to tell him the truth... and im waiting for the feedback.. hopefully its working..

sigh** see.. people are chasing of love at age of 26th.. and it is more sweet and romantic since it rise between two mature people and be too childish just because of love... I'll let u guys know how things end..

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